Performing Love, Feeling Love
between sacrifice and spectacle
Love has always been accompanied by display.
Toned down or loud, it has never simply been felt. There are acts of love. In today’s article, I will discuss love’s public component; and how it’s getting harder to distinguish which acts are true or theatrical.
It’s the garden of Eden, and Eve had just been deceived by the devil. The fruit that God had told them not to touch, she had not only touched but bitten. Like a woman in love, she takes it to her partner too. This is our first glimpse into how far love will go. He also takes a bite of the fruit, even though he knew better.
1Timothy 2:14 "And Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived..”
Adam knew what he was getting into. The love that we are introduced to in the Genesis of man is one that acts out his love through sacrifice.
Adam isn’t the only man to make a public stand that required sacrificing in the name of love. Our beloved scientist couple, Pierre and Marie Curie, had this theme recur in their lives. At a time when women were sidelined, Pierre defended his wife’s work and pushed back against systemic/institutionalized sexism. He regularly amplified her work, and even rejected a Nobel prize because they excluded her.
What a powerful show of love!
It doesn’t end there. There is no truth that we observe in real life that isn’t reflected in arts and media.
Very popular amongst the many is the story of our favourite Montague and Capulet— Romeo and Juliet. In this case, Romeo decided that a life without his beloved was no life at all. So, he drew the inevitable end closer and drank the poison guaranteed to kill him. This fascinating tale of bound souls did not end there. Juliet woke up from her faked death to find the one for whom she took such desperate steps dead in her tomb. She decided that if they could not be together in life, they would unite in death. Off she went, ending her own life to be with him— for real, this time.
It has always been all around us. You probably know of some love stories yourself; where people have gone to great lengths to display the depth of their love. In love letters, inconveniences, cultural rituals, etc. But these days, things are a little different. Actions have become kind of curated. Ahem, the better word is “performative”.
I have written this introduction the way I did in order to let you see that I am not finger-pointing. I acknowledge that love requires action, and in some cases, some of these actions are made public. But if love has always carried a bit of showmanship, what makes today different?
While we have always had public displays of love, it has never been as easy to do them only for appearance as it has become with the proliferation of social media use. Everybody puts their best foot forward on social apps, but as we grow more dependent on our followers and engagement, it’s progressively easier to feed an idea of us that doesn’t exist. We slip in and out of personalities as quickly as a camera flash coming on to record a video. We pretend to be different things— wise, knowledgeable, outgoing, mysterious, and most unfortunately, loving.
I find myself questioning these vagant and extravagant displays more often in recent times. I’ve met people who only have a close relationship with their spouses on social media. In real life, they’re emotionally unavailable and dismissive. But the vases are kept brimming with bouquets, the gifts are kept rolling in, and the cameras are kept flashing. Hands are held primarily for cute photos, kisses shared only when there’s a spectator. It’s all for show.
There’s nothing wrong in showing off how in love you are. In fact, I encourage it. However, I also encourage introspection. The immediacy and scale of public validation is a drug that should be treated as addictive. Similar to drug users, we can get hooked and find it difficult to separate who we really are from what the likes and comments have made us become.
It is not far-fetched to see relationships that seemed perfect online come to an end. The veneer of social media can only hold for so long. Tiny fissures appear— so faint you’d never guess they’re there— and these cracks finally give way.
In one post, they’re announcing a divorce but scroll down only 5 posts before, and you’ll see a cute gift1 received from their now ex-partner. It speaks volumes that although a couple is facing a chaotic season that might signify the end of the road for them, one person is buying the other a gift and the other is posting it on social media. It’s a transactional interaction they both understand. Fake it, even when it’s broken.
I could blame capitalism and social media. I could also blame us, the people who empower these systems. I could blame everyone who places other people on a high pedestal they feel forced to live up to. I could blame those of us who’ve allowed ourselves to become so reliant on external validation. I could likewise blame the people who hold their relationships up as ideal and therefore, cannot honestly represent themselves online. But my blame does not fix anything.
Instead, I hope that this article serves as a reminder that we need to find a balance of coexistence with public displays of love without letting them define the full measure of our feelings. Public gestures are lovely, as long as the person continues to be the point, not the applause. So, continue to feel free to share your love in front of an audience, but don’t let it end there. Take care that it is real where it counts.
Invest in the small, unseen acts of love and intimacy. Remember that they don’t like onions in their jollof, notice when they’re anxious before they say a word, save them the last piece without announcing it, defend them in rooms they are not in, read what they write, apologize, hold their hands when they grieve, keep beautiful moments sacred without turning them into content. Make your love a safe place for both of you, regardless of who’s watching or not.
P.S.: If your love language involves giving, praise, or public affection, that’s beautiful. The difference is intention: are you loving them, or are you performing the idea of being a loving partner?
Your life is not content. You do not always need ovation.
This doesn’t only apply to gifts. Sometimes, they’re singing each other’s praises and professing their undying love.
"Public gestures are lovely, as long as the person continues to be the point, not the applause."
too real!
I'd further argue that PDA shouldn't be a highly rated metric for judging the affection of a partner.
and that is not to say I do not respect people who'd prefer that.
however, in the world where everything is glamorised and ratings could be skewed by likes, views and reposts, it can be a tad blinding to see when a partner isn't present enough as they should be, as they have previously been.
the little and large acts that show that they are cherished first, as the primary display of love - without the care of an audience.
then the public display (as much as they can tolerate) can come after.
I stayed glued. You do have a point.
It's all for show now. The world is a stage and we are all actors. Now with social media, few tractions, you can be a celebrity.