flirting is like butter

and it is sexier than sex

This article may be a little tongue-in-cheek but I couldn’t resist the allure. I am writing this with a playful joy in my heart because it is a concept that I find truly fascinating. Flirting, Courtship, Mating; the involvement of both genders in attraction and relationships.

There are certain pleasures that come with being alive and in some cases, human. Art, sarcasm, love, the dopamine of accomplishments, creativity are some of them. The dance of flirting, though, isn’t unique to the human species. It is part of the reason I am so fascinated by it. Flirting, at the base level, is a primal and emotional instinct. It is universal; a joyful dance shared by humans and animals alike.

Lots of animals flirt. It’s a thing. Some sing, some dance; some fight, some twerk; some sniff, some kiss; some give gifts, some change colours. Do you see that we are all just animals really? I have enjoyed quite a few Nat Geo Wild¹ videos about birds and their courtship dances. And just like humans, some of their flirting efforts fail and some succeed. Win some, lose some, I guess. Here’s one of my favourite success videos. Isn’t it so cute?

---

If you are not a new subscriber, you probably already know that I love love. I am a big fan of wholesome, enveloping love. But before love, there is flirting. There is the game of expressing interest, learning boundaries; there are soft smiles and little jokes. Before love, there are light caresses and excuses to stand close to each other. Before love, there is flirting.

butter…

Flirting is like butter; it is creamy and soft. Sometimes it is the colour white; playful, respectful, recognising unspoken boundaries. At other times, it is pale yellow; anxious, nerve-wracking, racing heartbeats. Some other times, it is saffron yellow; bold, audacious, overt. Whatever the colour it may come in, like butter, it is a flavour enricher. It makes the experience of love so much richer and sweeter.

The purpose of flirting is straightforward. It is to signal romantic interest. Some have abused this, and are hopeless flirts with everyone they come across. But the fundamental purpose is simple, regardless. To make the object of your interest notice and reciprocate said interest. Like butter, flirting should be pleasant and mild. Understated. When it is overexposed, it becomes rancid. Unpleasant.

We now live in a world of instant gratification, and the nuanced dance of attraction easily gives way to the immediate. But there is a whimsy to flirting when it is not abused. Have you ever left the company of your crush feeling like a feather floating on air the texture of clouds? Do you remember how it felt to notice that they’re as interested in you as you are in them? Their gentle smiles, how they maintained eye contact for a little longer than necessary, their encouragement as you conversed, the witty but tender jabs, how they wanted to stand so close to you; almost touching, but not quite; and sometimes, how they touched you, smooth like butter; tapped your arm, your face, your hair, when they absolutely didn’t have to. Do you remember the feeling? The sexiness of the chase? Do you not see the intrinsic beauty that is the suchness of flirtation?

How is flirting sexier than sex?

It’s the perfume of risk it envelopes us in. The animal that we are enjoys the chase; the back-and-forths. There is an intoxicating uncertainty in the possibility of rejection.

Risk is a fuel for desire.

But we are losing the art of flirtation. With the advent of the digital age, it has gotten easier to deprive ourselves of this thrill. Interpersonal relationships are harder to keep, chance encounters harder to experience. Only those who know their way around words get to enjoy the mating dance, and the fear of rejection makes doomscrolling a more attractive choice. The rawness and vivacity of romance and desire is constrained behind sleek, blue lines, pixelated screens and an algorithm.

Flirting is reduced to reading meanings into a series of liked stories, comments on a post. It has shrunk into keeping streaks and unliking to relike an Instagram photo. Stolen glances have transformed into careful placements of heart emojis (ensuring you’re not using the red heart too quickly). It is overly thought out and dry as a bone. Flirting (and by extension, romance) is now like butter that’s spread too thin.

To truly flirt is to escape screens. Enjoy the joie de vivre of life as a human. Build connections and let fate weave it’s magic. Smile generously, touch somebody. Or hold them. Fall in love with words or movie scenes, flirt with a familiar stranger. Connect to what is real, raw, primitive within you. Let the ebullience of existence fuel you. Death looms over us; we will all cease to exist on this plane someday. The only thing that will exist for eternity is the essence of love you leave behind.

Flirting is like butter. It can be opaque, a lesson in mystery and uncertainty. Or it can be translucent, an apparent show of interest. It should always be demure - never overpowering. In a world that’s getting increasingly rushed, don’t forget to slow down. Enjoy the primal art of the chase. Savour butter.

1. That’s the generic name in my head for all documentaries that are about animals in the wild. BBC Earth, Netflix Documentaries all fall under the NGW umbrella. Sorry ;)