It is my favorite time of day; 11:11pm. I simply must write. I will tell you my random thoughts. I hope that you will read and enjoy. But, even if you don’t, I will write anyway.
I must tell you that the only way I have gotten this article published (as I’m assuming it has been since you’re reading it) was by pretending that I will not publish it. I don’t yet know if the delusion will make this a better or worse article. Either way, receive me into your arms.
I must tell you that my soul is used to yearning. I am used to missing the things I’ve lost. It is why I am drawn to nostalgia and will sit with the emotion for hours. It’s my peephole into the past; bright, white, soft curtains that hug me and and lift me to visit the delicious moments of the lives I have lived.
I must say that viewing life in hindsight makes it look so beautiful. Why is that? What causes that dissociation that makes us believe that it wasn’t too bad? Is it because we are in the future we thought would be better, and it is disappointing? Will we look back at these times and think that they were great times as well? Should I be scared of the future?
I am a lot of ugly things. Jealous, annoyed, annoying, irritated, irritable, forgetful, teary; but I must say that these ugly things make my life beautiful. It is up to you to choose whether to believe me or not. I say it because I have heard it said many times that I am beautiful with a beauty that is more than my visage. It has been said that I am beautiful with a beauty that shines from within. Why should they lie to me?
I will speak of my selfishness, my desire to own you more than others do. My desire to have you all to myself, even though others want you too. It is why I ask you to stay with me. I ask you to choose me, even though I don’t yet know if I will choose you.
Yearning. This familiar void asking to be filled, but never satisfied. This ache that never quite vanishes, this longing for something I’ve never had. Have I lost you or is it that I never had you? My heart yearns for you. Will you stay with me? Will you choose me? Maybe I am selfish, but at least you never have to guess what it is I desire.
It is 11:11pm. Why should I lie to you?
I must call you to say I love you. I must call to tell you that my heart sings the songs of the rain. You must know that the harvest will be abundant this year. There is much grain, will you come home now? Will you come back to me?
It is well. The rains have come, and the women sing, the children dance and the men have once more discovered a rhythm for the drums. Are you sure you will not come now? Don’t be afraid, I will not push you away. My heart is full of joy. It is overflowing. I will welcome you with open arms.
We overcome, my love. It doesn’t look like we will, but I have seen what is to come. We overcome. So, have no fear. It is 11:11pm. Nothing can go wrong.
Thank you for reading. I almost didn’t get an article out this weekend because of how busy it’s been, but I learned something from this article I read recently that James Clear taught that we need to create an identity when building a habit. The identity I built is that I am a consistent person, and that is why I am showing up this week instead of letting it go.
See you later this week.
Beautifuly expressed. I'm going to go back and read it again.
Though random, I enjoyed the flow of the writing.